Does alcohol cause depression, or do we drink alcohol because we are depressed?

What I share here is from the view of a recovered alcoholic who suffered severe depression while drinking. As a practicing alcoholic, my depression would enter deep and debilitating levels which would increase in their severity the more I drank.

I call alcohol depression the feelings of loneliness and despair that were a result of my alcoholism. Early in my drinking years, drinking was fun. Drinking made me feel alive, fun loving, and outgoing. But as the disease of alcoholism progressed, so did the feelings of depression. The first memory I have of such feelings was being late for work one time. I remember thinking that if I just drove off the road or had bad accident, then I would have a reason to be late. The real reason I was late, of course, was because I had been out all night partying.

The first time I attempted to stop drinking was in March of 1997. For weeks leading up to that point, I had been drinking almost daily and having negative and self-deprecating thoughts. This was unusual for me in that for the most of my life, I had been a very positive and optimistic person. So when I started thinking negative thoughts about myself and the world around me, it was surprising and something I took notice of.

I quit drinking for a little over six years. I am an alcoholic and do believe I was at that time as well. After quitting in 1997, I did not work any type of recovery program or learn about my disease. I simply abstained from alcohol. After almost seven years, I drank a glass of wine with a steak and begin drinking again heavily; just as much as when I quit back in 1997.  It was not long until the depressive and self-deprecating thoughts returned.

It would take me many more years to stop drinking entirely. Each time I would start again, the depressive thoughts would return and get worse; as did my alcoholism. The last time I drank alcohol was on March 12, 2006. The pain and depression had gotten so bad at that point, the only solution I could see to my problem was suicide.

It was that next day that I entered an alcoholism treatment center. Since that day I have been working a recovery program and attended therapy for my depression. What I have found, is that as long as I do not drink alcohol, my depression does not return. It is important for me to stay in recovery. In recovery I am the positive, outgoing, and optimistic self. As soon as alcohol enters my body, a cloud of doom and gloom begins to descend on my soul. The last time I drank, the alcohol depression, or simply depression, become so difficult to bare, I almost ended my life. I do not want to take that chance again.