Which came first, the alcohol or the depression?

Great question. As a recovering alcoholic, it seemed that the alcohol came first. But, before everyone jumps on the wagon to blame alcohol for all their problems, lets take a deeper look at this; especially if you’re asking yourself the question can alcohol cause depression?

I believe that I started drinking alcoholically in my early twenties. I remember a time when I felt as if no matter what I achieved in life, I would never bee satisfied. I remember feeling it deep in my soul. So maybe to some extent, I was already suffering from some sort of depression. I do know that as my alcoholism progressed, the depressive thoughts and feelings increased.

Underlying all my drinking or “partying” (if that’s what we’re calling it) was a sense of low self-esteem. Mind you however, I was not aware that I had a low self-esteem. I was always the fun loving, outgoing, happy go lucky, optimistic guy. At least on the outside. But you see, for years I confused my outsides with what was going on with my insides.

I remember in college I was working as a zookeeper at a local zoo. I was often late for work as a result of partying all night. I hated being late for work and the feeling of remorse that always came with it. I hated letting other people down and not being dependable. The terrible and remorseful feeling of rising out of bed hungover and realizing I was going to be late again was something I knew quite well. On many occasions I would even considering or wishing I had been injured or had a real excuse for being late. Maybe I could run my car off the road or hit a bridge on the way to work, then people would feel sorry for me and I would have a real reason to be late. So these depressive and self-deprecating thoughts began early on in my drinking career.

So even before I started drinking alcoholically, I believe I had the tendency for depression. As my alcoholism progressed, my depressive thoughts and behaviors increased. So much so, that any long drinking binge would ultimately lead me to thoughts of suicide and deep alcohol depression.

I must always stress that I’m not a doctor or psychiatrist, so I have no medical facts to support what I share here. Only my experience.  I believe my alcoholism depression is a result of a low self-esteem prior to becoming an alcoholic. As a result, when I drink, the depression becomes intensified. Which only seems to add up since alcohol is a depressant. Over the years, each time I would go on a drinking binge, the feeling of despair and suicidal thoughts would get worse.

So although I do believe alcohol causes depression, for me personally, there were other factors that lead up to me feeling depressed which started years before I started drinking alcoholically. So it’s sort of like asking the question; which came first, the chicken or the egg?