There are two things a practicing alcoholic hates; the way things are, and change. So therein lies our dilemma. As an alcoholic, I was depressed when I drank (alcohol is a depressant… go figure) and depressed when I wasn’t drinking. You see alcohol was not my problem, it was my solution. My problem was not knowing how to deal with my emotions, which caused me to be depressed. When I discovered alcohol at an early age, it made me feel good. And it continued to work for me, until it didn’t.

One really important thing for me to point out was, I did not know I had this inability to deal with emotions. I had a great childhood, loving parents, etc. I was always fun-loving and outgoing. But that was on the outside, on the inside I was lost emotionally. I didn’t drink because I was a bad person, I drank simply because it made me feel good. I liked the way alcohol makes me feel. Period.

So when I wasn’t drinking or engaged in alcohol abuse, I really didn’t like the way I felt. I would feel depressed. If I felt anger or sadness, I wasn’t really sure what to do with those emotions. Later on, when I started drinking, I would feel happy and free. Then at some point those feelings of happiness started turning to self-loathing. I knew my drinking was getting out of hand and my conscience was telling me I was not living a healthy lifestyle.

I would not consider myself spiritual by any means when I was drinking, yet something inside my soul told me I was not living the way God, if there was one, would want me to live. That weighed very heavily on my soul. So as I continued to try and stop drinking, and failing, I continued to feel worse about myself. Thus my depression increased. The more I drank the worse my depression became, to the point where suicide seemed like the only solution to my problem.

Depression and my worst days drinking were temporary. Thank God I did not carry out a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Although I know at the time, depressive feelings can feel overwhelming and like there’s no way out, there is always help available if you ask for it. Thank God I finally asked for help, and then simply followed directions.