Whether you’re seeking depression help fast or to become alcohol free,  the fact that you’re searching for the answers or help is an important part of getting better.

There seems to be some debate over whether alcohol causes depression or people who suffer from depression begin drinking. I myself have often debated the question, does alcohol cause depression?  The answer can often depend on who you’re talking too. People often get confused whether they drink because they’re depressed or they’re depressed because they drink. As a recovered alcoholic who suffered from depression, I can say from my experience, that both are true. I would drink because I felt depressive feelings, and would feel depressed as a result of my drinking. It has been my experience that both of these ideas or theories have some merit. I often told myself that I drank because I simply didn’t have anything better to do… I’m not sure if that’s totally true. I guess it is, if hanging out with me is considered “nothing better.”

Alcohol is a known depressant so it’s no wonder it causes depression. That’s a “no brainer.” But for me, it wasn’t always that way. I am not an authority on alcoholism or depression, so if you’re looking for medical facts or statistics on the correlation between alcohol and depression, you won’t find it here. What you will find is my real life experience and how alcohol depression manifested itself in my life and how they relate to each from that perspective. I would encourage anyone who feels they are depressed and drinking or drinking and depressed, to read through my experiences and look for the similarities and not the differences. I am an alcoholic; I know that to be true from my inner core. Dealing with and accepting that is a whole different topic, but you can learn more about it at about alcoholism treatment. What I share here is how I believe alcohol depression manifested itself in my life. I am sharing some background history into my life to provide some reference to how my drinking progressed and how it relates to the depression I experienced.

I heard a saying once, I’m not sure who said it (I can’t seem to find the reference and anytime I search the internet for it, I find my own reference). But it goes something like this:

All misery derives from the inability to sit in a quiet room alone.

Since I started drinking at such a young age, everything in my life seemed to revolve around alcohol. I had a great childhood however, two loving parents and growing up on a farm, there was always plenty of love to go around. So what makes me an alcoholic? And when did depression enter into my life?

In my early years of drinking, it was fun. Alcohol made me feel alive and seemed to drown out all the feelings of inferiority that I realized I had later. I started drinking early in high school, I’d say around the age of fifteen or sixteen. Once I reached college, I was pretty much drinking every night. Eventually I dropped out of college and began a career in the restaurant industry, which for me, was a great place to work for someone who liked to party. It took me years to realize alcohol was slowly draining me of all aspirations. Everything revolved around alcohol and it began to become a way of life as opposed to a way to relax or have fun. As I said, it remained fun for many many years. I never suffered any legal consequences for my drinking, and how I never got a DUI, well… is just luck. I drove drunk hundreds of times and still to this day consider myself lucky. Especially lucky that I did not hurt or kill someone else.

By March of 1997, at the age of 27, I was drinking so much daily that I would experience the shakes or withdraw symptoms if I did not have something to drink. It was also at this time that I first started experiencing extreme depression as a result of my drinking. The thought would often come to my mind that life may simply be easier if I was dead. As a person who had always been positive and outgoing, these thoughts caught me by surprise and I realized I needed to do something. So I decided to stop drinking. When you are drinking as much as I was, over two fifths of vodka a day, it isn’t that easy.

I ended up going through a severe detox and was in ICU for approximately six days and almost died. After getting out of the hospital, I attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and found that it depressed me even more so I didn’t return. You see, I thought I was smarter then everyone else in that meeting, all I heard was the differences; I had no DUI’s, no fractured family, I hadn’t lost nearly as much as those drunks! Armed with self-knowledge, I would simply abstain from alcohol and go on living my life. This worked for over 6 years! and I thought I would remain addiction free forever. But without a way to cope with my feelings, it was only a matter of time before I would drink again.

Since I started drinking at an early age, I guess I never really learned how to deal with my emotions in a healthy manner. I was always drinking… I drank when happy, sad, and angry, it didn’t matter. I believe alcohol depression entered into the equation when I began feeling bad about the way I was living. I knew I had a drinking problem but always thought I could stop if I really wanted. Then when I couldn’t stop, I’d tell myself I must not be strong enough. So I would get even more depressed about being weak. The cycle would continue like that for years.

Drinking was such a part of my life for so long, I realize now I never really allowed myself to feel anything. During the years I was not drinking (abstaining), I would enter relationships, and within a few months, I was making up excuses why they weren’t going to work. Nonetheless, they seemed like genuine reasons at the time. Usually it was because I was too busy making up for lost time and changing the world. My “MO” was that as soon as anyone got close enough to know the real me, I was out of there! It was more comfortable being alone then having to deal with the uncomfortable feelings of trying to figure out my emotions. Even though I wasn’t drinking, I was still quite depressed and was not learning how to live a life that brought me happiness. I was lonely and did a great job of isolating myself from everyone. There’s a saying that goes, “sober up a horse thief, and you’ve still got a horse thief.”

Eventually I got into a relationship that would prove to me that I had no idea how to be in one. I had no idea how to be truly intimate with someone and share my emotions, I couldn’t because I really didn’t know what they were (emotions). Sure I’d read about them in books and my girlfriend would tell me about them, but when asked “how are you feeling” I would just make up something to make her happy. I was miserable and so was she. Eventually I decided that maybe I wasn’t truly an alcoholic. After all, it had been many years since I had a drink and maybe a nice glass of Merlot with a steak would loosen me up a little bit. With a little over six years of abstaining from alcohol, I had a glass of wine, trying to convince myself that I had my crap together now and could handle it. From that point on, I struggled for years to stay sober.

After two attempts at rehab and trying to reconcile my relationship, I was living in a recovery house and trying to stay sober. I was filled with so much regret and remorse that it was hard to even function on a day to day basis. Finally I moved out of the recovery house and into an apartment by myself. The first thing I did was purchase a fifth of vodka and stopped going to work. I just wanted the thoughts of failure to go away. I figured I had tried recovery and it just wouldn’t work for me. I thought I was unique, nobody understood me, and that my situation was hopeless. I had resigned to living out my last days by drinking myself to death alone in an apartment just a few blocks from a liquor store. I was drinking so much that eventually I couldn’t leave my apartment and ran out of booze. At this point, my depression, remorse, and fear of living were so great that I felt I had two clear choices; try recovery again or commit suicide. I had tried recovery and knew it was difficult, that really scared me. But I realized I wasn’t ready to die yet either, so I called my sister who came and took me to treatment one more time. That was March 12, 2006 and I haven’t had a drink or mind-altering drug since that day.

Now, how does all this relate to depression or depression and alcohol? You see, I always had this vision in my head of what I thought success looked like for me. And honestly, it mostly consisted of material success; or what I thought success looked like to other people. I was constantly comparing my insides to other people’s outsides and what I thought a happy and successful life looked like. I did have this feeling deep inside that I was a good person and that I could do great things but I always fell short. I was afraid of success, afraid of failure, and most of all, afraid of not being loved for who I truly was. All the years of not feeling quite good enough, even for me, played havoc on my self-esteem and caused me to become depressed. It’s pretty simple really, I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank. I was depressed because I thought life was all about finding happiness, and I had even failed at that. Not until I became desperate enough (really considering and welcoming suicide) was I able to give up every possible notion I had of what I thought my life was suppose to be about and start over. And that all started by asking for help and being willing enough to do whatever it took to get better. And that included going to rehab again, attending AA meetings regularly, and working a rigorous recovery program.

Today I realize that inner-peace and happiness, which I believe to be the opposite of depression, is a by product of right living. Today I live each day to be the best I can be, and that brings me overwhelming happiness. Since I have given up on every one else’s version of happiness, I have completed both undergraduate and graduate school, gotten married to the best women ever, and recently even had a granddaughter. I am successful today beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

Looking back, I realize I never really learned how to love myself for who I truly was. I guess I could not be alone with myself; it was too uncomfortable and caused me misery. So maybe I had depression before I truly became an alcoholic, I’m not sure. I do know that just because I stopped drinking my depressive thoughts did not go away. It would take hard work in recovery to learn how to love myself for who I truly am.

Today I am able to sit in quite room alone. Actually, I love doing this today and look forward to these times of meditation. It’s during these times that I learn to love myself and listen to my conscience.

There are still sometimes when I get a little depressed, but I know today that it will pass. For me, living right equals happiness. I am as sick as my secrets and getting honest with those around me and myself allows me to live life to the fullest, out in the open and with freedom! My depression was a result of not meeting expectations I set on myself. I realize now I was making demands upon myself which were impossible to meet. I stumbled through life feeling lost and lacking a purpose. Not until I truly learned how to love and respect myself, was I able to allow myself to be loved by others. Experiencing true love has given me great purpose in my life. Life is truly a gift, and I intend to accept it for the present it is!

Changing Your Life Takes Action

If there’s one thing I know is that it’s hard to know or accept if you’re really an alcoholic. When I first stopped drinking in 1997, I stayed clear of alcohol for over 6 years. Even though I abstained from alcohol, I did not seek treatment or find a way to manifest peace in my life. I thought I had no other tools except to just stay clear of social occasions where alcohol was served or just rely on my strong will to avoid drinking. What I have learned since (mainly over the past 4 years living an amazing life full of joy, peace, and happiness), is that maintaining a healthy spiritual condition is vital in developing the inner-peace and clear mind that is critical in finding happiness. Meditation, reading, exercise, these are all parts of my daily routine today that helps me fight off alcohol depression and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

You know the saying, “when the student is ready the teacher will appear.” I believe that to be true. My journey keeps me constantly searching to increase my self-awareness and spiritual condition. There are so many resources out there to help us become better people and find happiness in our lives. The book store is loaded with all sorts of resources on self-help, personal development, and spiritual growth. But the main lesson to keep in mind is simple: take action. You can read all the self-help books in the world but if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting. In order to change your life, you must change your thinking and the way you do things. As far as I know (and believe me I’ve tried) that never happens by simply sitting around reading and thinking about it. It takes action!! Action puts us into interaction with the universe where we get feedback, find joy, and learn how to live amongst the world peacefully and have a happy life.

On June 25th of 2010 my father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. 10 days later he passed away. It was a shock. My family and I were still trying to cope with the idea of his terminal illness when he passed away. We believe it was a pulmonary embolism, but we’re not sure and it really doesn’t matter. We were thankful that he didn’t have to suffer.

The thing that I’m most grateful for is that for the few years prior to his death, I was working through my alcohol depression and the affects that years of drinking and feeling depressed had on my relationship with myself. As a result, I was able to accept my fathers love for me, learn how he expressed his love, and accept him for who he was. When faced with my fathers terminal illness, I struggled with the idea that I needed to get closer to my father than I already was. That I needed to help my father get right with his place in the world and the short life he had left. What I realized was I didn’t need to do any of that, all I had to do was be a son.

Regardless of whether alcohol caused my depression or depression caused my drinking or it’s alcoholism depression, it’s up to me and you to take responsibility for our lives and seek the answers we need to heal and become happy. In my experience, depression and alcohol come hand-in-hand.

I’ve head the term “alcoholism depression” a lot. I’m not real sure what to make of it. Let’s break down the two terms.

So what is alcoholism? According to Alcoholics Anonymous, “alcoholism is a two fold disease, a physical allergy plus an obsession of the mind.”

So what is depression? Depression is “an illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts, that affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself, and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be wished away” (MedicineNet.net)

So they’re both illnesses (alcoholism depression) can you have them both? I suppose you can. I would argue however that most people are misdiagnosed as having depression when they’re really just an alcoholic, or maybe just abuse alcohol. I know this is touchy ground here that I’m skating on, but just hear me out for a minute.

The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It is the only disease that I know of, which goes to great lengths in convincing those who suffer from it that they DO NOT HAVE IT. Some call this symptom denial. Call it whatever you want, it is powerful and can be lethal.

For years I was going to the doctor complaining about this feeling or that feeling, never once telling them how much alcohol I was drinking or what kind of life I was living. Doctor’s are suppose to read minds don’t you know?

My point is, I’ve seen it often in alcohol treatment centers, patients come in on all sorts of anti depressants they’ve been prescribed by their doctors. However, what they neglected to tell them over the years was that they were an alcoholic. Alcohol is a depressant and can cause depressive feelings; at least it did in my case.

When I started treating my alcoholism, I began living the way I felt I was meant to.  And the alcoholism depression was not an issue as long as I treated it as well. That was when my depressive thoughts and behaviors started to subside. However, just because I stopped drinking, everything didn’t immediately get better. It’s often said in recovery that if you stop drinking you’ll feel better. They’re right, you’ll feel everything better, including pain, fear, sadness, etc. But, once you stop drinking, you must get help to learn how to deal with those emotions. For me personally, alcohol was never really my problem, it was my solution. I didn’t know how to deal with emotions. Alcohol depression is sort of intertwined to me.

What is alcohol abuse actually?

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association:

Alcohol abuse is a pattern of drinking that results in harm to one’s health, interpersonal relationships, or ability to work. Certain manifestations of alcohol abuse include failure to fulfill responsibilities at work, school or home; drinking in dangerous situations, such as while driving; legal problems associated with alcohol use; and continued drinking despite problems that are caused or worsened by drinking. Alcohol abuse can lead to alcohol dependence.

I don’t know about you, but if I experienced several of those listed above, I should would be depressed.

For years, I abused alcohol and experienced many of the items listed in that paragraph. However, I continued to drink. Moreover, it is amazing how long one can actually cause detrimental circumstances in their lives and continue the same patterns. For years I would show up late to work… so what did I do? Well, simple really, I got a different job. It’s no coincidence that I ended up with a job that didn’t require me to be at work until 4:00 in the afternoon. Although most days I would drag my butt in there hungover still from the night (or morning) before.

So at what point does abuse become dependence and then alcoholism? Honestly, I do not know. For me, I think it started back in my early twenties when I realized not matter what I accomplished in life, I would never be truly satisfied. It wasn’t until many years later that I actually started facing some severe consequences for my drinking. Which was severe depression caused by my many years of alcohol abuse.

I knew the way I was living was not healthy. Sure, I would rationalize it and tell myself I wasn’t as bad as “that guy.” In reality, I just kept finding new friends who drank as much or more as I did so I never really had to look at myself.

Living for years in a way that I knew was not healthy and that I probably did have a drinking problem slowly crushed my self-respect. Although I did not realize at the time, I always thought I had my stuff together.  Then as the drinking got more severe, so did the depressive behavior and finally thoughts of suicide.

For me, alcohol abuse was the way I avoided depression, but then it later turned into the cause of my alcohol depression.

As a recovering alcoholic, the term “alcohol depression” is sort of an oxymoron. I was watching an episode recently of the A&E show, Intervention, when the featured alcoholic said, “I drink because I’m angry and I’m angry because I drink.” I thought to myself, “that’s it!”

There are two things a practicing alcoholic hates; the way things are, and change. So therein lies our dilemma. As an alcoholic, I was depressed when I drank (alcohol is a depressant… go figure) and depressed when I wasn’t drinking. You see alcohol was not my problem, it was my solution. My problem was not knowing how to deal with my emotions, which caused me to be depressed. When I discovered alcohol at an early age, it made me feel good. And it continued to work for me, until it didn’t.

One really important thing for me to point out was, I did not know I had this inability to deal with emotions. I had a great childhood, loving parents, etc. I was always fun-loving and outgoing. But that was on the outside, on the inside I was lost emotionally. I didn’t drink because I was a bad person, I drank simply because it made me feel good. I liked the way alcohol makes me feel. Period.

So when I wasn’t drinking or engaged in alcohol abuse, I really didn’t like the way I felt. I would feel depressed. If I felt anger or sadness, I wasn’t really sure what to do with those emotions. Later on, when I started drinking, I would feel happy and free. Then at some point those feelings of happiness started turning to self-loathing. I knew my drinking was getting out of hand and my conscience was telling me I was not living a healthy lifestyle.

I would not consider myself spiritual by any means when I was drinking, yet something inside my soul told me I was not living the way God, if there was one, would want me to live. That weighed very heavily on my soul. So as I continued to try and stop drinking, and failing, I continued to feel worse about myself. Thus my depression increased. The more I drank the worse my depression became, to the point where suicide seemed like the only solution to my problem.

Depression and my worst days drinking were temporary. Thank God I did not carry out a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Although I know at the time, depressive feelings can feel overwhelming and like there’s no way out, there is always help available if you ask for it. Thank God I finally asked for help, and then simply followed directions.

Which came first, the alcohol or the depression?

Great question. As a recovering alcoholic, it seemed that the alcohol came first. But, before everyone jumps on the wagon to blame alcohol for all their problems, lets take a deeper look at this; especially if you’re asking yourself the question can alcohol cause depression?

I believe that I started drinking alcoholically in my early twenties. I remember a time when I felt as if no matter what I achieved in life, I would never bee satisfied. I remember feeling it deep in my soul. So maybe to some extent, I was already suffering from some sort of depression. I do know that as my alcoholism progressed, the depressive thoughts and feelings increased.

Underlying all my drinking or “partying” (if that’s what we’re calling it) was a sense of low self-esteem. Mind you however, I was not aware that I had a low self-esteem. I was always the fun loving, outgoing, happy go lucky, optimistic guy. At least on the outside. But you see, for years I confused my outsides with what was going on with my insides.

I remember in college I was working as a zookeeper at a local zoo. I was often late for work as a result of partying all night. I hated being late for work and the feeling of remorse that always came with it. I hated letting other people down and not being dependable. The terrible and remorseful feeling of rising out of bed hungover and realizing I was going to be late again was something I knew quite well. On many occasions I would even considering or wishing I had been injured or had a real excuse for being late. Maybe I could run my car off the road or hit a bridge on the way to work, then people would feel sorry for me and I would have a real reason to be late. So these depressive and self-deprecating thoughts began early on in my drinking career.

So even before I started drinking alcoholically, I believe I had the tendency for depression. As my alcoholism progressed, my depressive thoughts and behaviors increased. So much so, that any long drinking binge would ultimately lead me to thoughts of suicide and deep alcohol depression.

I must always stress that I’m not a doctor or psychiatrist, so I have no medical facts to support what I share here. Only my experience.  I believe my alcoholism depression is a result of a low self-esteem prior to becoming an alcoholic. As a result, when I drink, the depression becomes intensified. Which only seems to add up since alcohol is a depressant. Over the years, each time I would go on a drinking binge, the feeling of despair and suicidal thoughts would get worse.

So although I do believe alcohol causes depression, for me personally, there were other factors that lead up to me feeling depressed which started years before I started drinking alcoholically. So it’s sort of like asking the question; which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Does alcohol cause depression, or do we drink alcohol because we are depressed?

What I share here is from the view of a recovered alcoholic who suffered severe depression while drinking. As a practicing alcoholic, my depression would enter deep and debilitating levels which would increase in their severity the more I drank.

I call alcohol depression the feelings of loneliness and despair that were a result of my alcoholism. Early in my drinking years, drinking was fun. Drinking made me feel alive, fun loving, and outgoing. But as the disease of alcoholism progressed, so did the feelings of depression. The first memory I have of such feelings was being late for work one time. I remember thinking that if I just drove off the road or had bad accident, then I would have a reason to be late. The real reason I was late, of course, was because I had been out all night partying.

The first time I attempted to stop drinking was in March of 1997. For weeks leading up to that point, I had been drinking almost daily and having negative and self-deprecating thoughts. This was unusual for me in that for the most of my life, I had been a very positive and optimistic person. So when I started thinking negative thoughts about myself and the world around me, it was surprising and something I took notice of.

I quit drinking for a little over six years. I am an alcoholic and do believe I was at that time as well. After quitting in 1997, I did not work any type of recovery program or learn about my disease. I simply abstained from alcohol. After almost seven years, I drank a glass of wine with a steak and begin drinking again heavily; just as much as when I quit back in 1997.  It was not long until the depressive and self-deprecating thoughts returned.

It would take me many more years to stop drinking entirely. Each time I would start again, the depressive thoughts would return and get worse; as did my alcoholism. The last time I drank alcohol was on March 12, 2006. The pain and depression had gotten so bad at that point, the only solution I could see to my problem was suicide.

It was that next day that I entered an alcoholism treatment center. Since that day I have been working a recovery program and attended therapy for my depression. What I have found, is that as long as I do not drink alcohol, my depression does not return. It is important for me to stay in recovery. In recovery I am the positive, outgoing, and optimistic self. As soon as alcohol enters my body, a cloud of doom and gloom begins to descend on my soul. The last time I drank, the alcohol depression, or simply depression, become so difficult to bare, I almost ended my life. I do not want to take that chance again.