So what is alcoholism? According to Alcoholics Anonymous, “alcoholism is a two fold disease, a physical allergy plus an obsession of the mind.”

So what is depression? Depression is “an illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts, that affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself, and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be wished away” (MedicineNet.net)

So they’re both illnesses (alcoholism depression) can you have them both? I suppose you can. I would argue however that most people are misdiagnosed as having depression when they’re really just an alcoholic, or maybe just abuse alcohol. I know this is touchy ground here that I’m skating on, but just hear me out for a minute.

The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It is the only disease that I know of, which goes to great lengths in convincing those who suffer from it that they DO NOT HAVE IT. Some call this symptom denial. Call it whatever you want, it is powerful and can be lethal.

For years I was going to the doctor complaining about this feeling or that feeling, never once telling them how much alcohol I was drinking or what kind of life I was living. Doctor’s are suppose to read minds don’t you know?

My point is, I’ve seen it often in alcohol treatment centers, patients come in on all sorts of anti depressants they’ve been prescribed by their doctors. However, what they neglected to tell them over the years was that they were an alcoholic. Alcohol is a depressant and can cause depressive feelings; at least it did in my case.

When I started treating my alcoholism, I began living the way I felt I was meant to.  And the alcoholism depression was not an issue as long as I treated it as well. That was when my depressive thoughts and behaviors started to subside. However, just because I stopped drinking, everything didn’t immediately get better. It’s often said in recovery that if you stop drinking you’ll feel better. They’re right, you’ll feel everything better, including pain, fear, sadness, etc. But, once you stop drinking, you must get help to learn how to deal with those emotions. For me personally, alcohol was never really my problem, it was my solution. I didn’t know how to deal with emotions. Alcohol depression is sort of intertwined to me.

Great question. As a recovering alcoholic, it seemed that the alcohol came first. But, before everyone jumps on the wagon to blame alcohol for all their problems, lets take a deeper look at this; especially if you’re asking yourself the question can alcohol cause depression?

I believe that I started drinking alcoholically in my early twenties. I remember a time when I felt as if no matter what I achieved in life, I would never bee satisfied. I remember feeling it deep in my soul. So maybe to some extent, I was already suffering from some sort of depression. I do know that as my alcoholism progressed, the depressive thoughts and feelings increased.

Underlying all my drinking or “partying” (if that’s what we’re calling it) was a sense of low self-esteem. Mind you however, I was not aware that I had a low self-esteem. I was always the fun loving, outgoing, happy go lucky, optimistic guy. At least on the outside. But you see, for years I confused my outsides with what was going on with my insides.

I remember in college I was working as a zookeeper at a local zoo. I was often late for work as a result of partying all night. I hated being late for work and the feeling of remorse that always came with it. I hated letting other people down and not being dependable. The terrible and remorseful feeling of rising out of bed hungover and realizing I was going to be late again was something I knew quite well. On many occasions I would even considering or wishing I had been injured or had a real excuse for being late. Maybe I could run my car off the road or hit a bridge on the way to work, then people would feel sorry for me and I would have a real reason to be late. So these depressive and self-deprecating thoughts began early on in my drinking career.

So even before I started drinking alcoholically, I believe I had the tendency for depression. As my alcoholism progressed, my depressive thoughts and behaviors increased. So much so, that any long drinking binge would ultimately lead me to thoughts of suicide and deep alcohol depression.

I must always stress that I’m not a doctor or psychiatrist, so I have no medical facts to support what I share here. Only my experience.  I believe my alcoholism depression is a result of a low self-esteem prior to becoming an alcoholic. As a result, when I drink, the depression becomes intensified. Which only seems to add up since alcohol is a depressant. Over the years, each time I would go on a drinking binge, the feeling of despair and suicidal thoughts would get worse.

So although I do believe alcohol causes depression, for me personally, there were other factors that lead up to me feeling depressed which started years before I started drinking alcoholically. So it’s sort of like asking the question; which came first, the chicken or the egg?

What I share here is from the view of a recovered alcoholic who suffered severe depression while drinking. As a practicing alcoholic, my depression would enter deep and debilitating levels which would increase in their severity the more I drank.

I call alcohol depression the feelings of loneliness and despair that were a result of my alcoholism. Early in my drinking years, drinking was fun. Drinking made me feel alive, fun loving, and outgoing. But as the disease of alcoholism progressed, so did the feelings of depression. The first memory I have of such feelings was being late for work one time. I remember thinking that if I just drove off the road or had bad accident, then I would have a reason to be late. The real reason I was late, of course, was because I had been out all night partying.

The first time I attempted to stop drinking was in March of 1997. For weeks leading up to that point, I had been drinking almost daily and having negative and self-deprecating thoughts. This was unusual for me in that for the most of my life, I had been a very positive and optimistic person. So when I started thinking negative thoughts about myself and the world around me, it was surprising and something I took notice of.

I quit drinking for a little over six years. I am an alcoholic and do believe I was at that time as well. After quitting in 1997, I did not work any type of recovery program or learn about my disease. I simply abstained from alcohol. After almost seven years, I drank a glass of wine with a steak and begin drinking again heavily; just as much as when I quit back in 1997.  It was not long until the depressive and self-deprecating thoughts returned.

It would take me many more years to stop drinking entirely. Each time I would start again, the depressive thoughts would return and get worse; as did my alcoholism. The last time I drank alcohol was on March 12, 2006. The pain and depression had gotten so bad at that point, the only solution I could see to my problem was suicide.

It was that next day that I entered an alcoholism treatment center. Since that day I have been working a recovery program and attended therapy for my depression. What I have found, is that as long as I do not drink alcohol, my depression does not return. It is important for me to stay in recovery. In recovery I am the positive, outgoing, and optimistic self. As soon as alcohol enters my body, a cloud of doom and gloom begins to descend on my soul. The last time I drank, the alcohol depression, or simply depression, become so difficult to bare, I almost ended my life. I do not want to take that chance again.