About Alcohol Depression

Does alcohol cause depression, or do we drink alcohol because we are depressed?

What I share here is from the view of a recovered alcoholic who suffered severe depression while drinking. As a practicing alcoholic, my depression would enter deep and debilitating levels which would increase in their severity the more I drank.

I call alcohol depression the feelings of loneliness and despair that were a result of my alcoholism. Early in my drinking years, drinking was fun. Drinking made me feel alive, fun loving, and outgoing. But as the disease of alcoholism progressed, so did the feelings of depression. The first memory I have of such feelings was being late for work one time. I remember thinking that if I just drove off the road or had bad accident, then I would have a reason to be late. The real reason I was late, of course, was because I had been out all night partying.

The first time I attempted to stop drinking was in March of 1997. For weeks leading up to that point, I had been drinking almost daily and having negative and self-deprecating thoughts. This was unusual for me in that for the most of my life, I had been a very positive and optimistic person. So when I started thinking negative thoughts about myself and the world around me, it was surprising and something I took notice of.

I quit drinking for a little over six years. I am an alcoholic and do believe I was at that time as well. After quitting in 1997, I did not work any type of recovery program or learn about my disease. I simply abstained from alcohol. After almost seven years, I drank a glass of wine with a steak and begin drinking again heavily; just as much as when I quit back in 1997.  It was not long until the depressive and self-deprecating thoughts returned.

It would take me many more years to stop drinking entirely. Each time I would start again, the depressive thoughts would return and get worse; as did my alcoholism. The last time I drank alcohol was on March 12, 2006. The pain and depression had gotten so bad at that point, the only solution I could see to my problem was suicide.

It was that next day that I entered an alcoholism treatment center. Since that day I have been working a recovery program and attended therapy for my depression. What I have found, is that as long as I do not drink alcohol, my depression does not return. It is important for me to stay in recovery. In recovery I am the positive, outgoing, and optimistic self. As soon as alcohol enters my body, a cloud of doom and gloom begins to descend on my soul. The last time I drank, the alcohol depression, or simply depression, become so difficult to bare, I almost ended my life. I do not want to take that chance again.

There seems to be some debate over whether alcohol causes depression or people who suffer from depression begin drinking. I myself have often debated the question, does alcohol cause depression?  The answer can often depend on who you’re talking too. People often get confused whether they drink because they’re depressed or they’re depressed because they drink. As a recovered alcoholic who suffered from depression, I can say from my experience, that both are true. I would drink because I felt depressive feelings, and would feel depressed as a result of my drinking. It has been my experience that both of these ideas or theories have some merit. I often told myself that I drank because I simply didn’t have anything better to do… I’m not sure if that’s totally true. I guess it is, if hanging out with me is considered “nothing better.”

Alcohol is a known depressant so it’s no wonder it causes depression. That’s a “no brainer.” But for me, it wasn’t always that way. I am not an authority on alcoholism or depression, so if you’re looking for medical facts or statistics on the correlation between alcohol and depression, you won’t find it here. What you will find is my real life experience and how alcohol depression manifested itself in my life and how they relate to each from that perspective. I would encourage anyone who feels they are depressed and drinking or drinking and depressed, to read through my experiences and look for the similarities and not the differences. I am an alcoholic; I know that to be true from my inner core. Dealing with and accepting that is a whole different topic, but you can learn more about it at about alcoholism treatment. What I share here is how I believe alcohol depression manifested itself in my life. I am sharing some background history into my life to provide some reference to how my drinking progressed and how it relates to the depression I experienced.

I heard a saying once, I’m not sure who said it (I can’t seem to find the reference and anytime I search the internet for it, I find my own reference). But it goes something like this:

All misery derives from the inability to sit in a quiet room alone.

Since I started drinking at such a young age, everything in my life seemed to revolve around alcohol. I had a great childhood however, two loving parents and growing up on a farm, there was always plenty of love to go around. So what makes me an alcoholic? And when did depression enter into my life?

In my early years of drinking, it was fun. Alcohol made me feel alive and seemed to drown out all the feelings of inferiority that I realized I had later. I started drinking early in high school, I’d say around the age of fifteen or sixteen. Once I reached college, I was pretty much drinking every night. Eventually I dropped out of college and began a career in the restaurant industry, which for me, was a great place to work for someone who liked to party. It took me years to realize alcohol was slowly draining me of all aspirations. Everything revolved around alcohol and it began to become a way of life as opposed to a way to relax or have fun. As I said, it remained fun for many many years. I never suffered any legal consequences for my drinking, and how I never got a DUI, well… is just luck. I drove drunk hundreds of times and still to this day consider myself lucky. Especially lucky that I did not hurt or kill someone else. By March of 1997, at the age of 27, I was drinking so much daily that I would experience the shakes or withdraw symptoms if I did not have something to drink. It was also at this time that I first started experiencing extreme depression as a result of my drinking. The thought would often come to my mind that life may simply be easier if I was dead. As a person who had always been positive and outgoing, these thoughts caught me by surprise and I realized I needed to do something. So I decided to stop drinking. When you are drinking as much as I was, over two fifths of vodka a day, it isn’t that easy.

I ended up going through a severe detox and was in ICU for approximately six days and almost died. After getting out of the hospital, I attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and found that it depressed me even more so I didn’t return. You see, I thought I was smarter then everyone else in that meeting, all I heard was the differences; I had no DUI’s, no fractured family, I hadn’t lost nearly as much as those drunks! Armed with self-knowledge, I would simply abstain from alcohol and go on living my life. This worked for a while, several years actually, but without a way to cope with my feelings, it was only a matter of time before I would drink again.

Since I started drinking at an early age, I guess I never really learned how to deal with my emotions in a healthy manner. I was always drinking… I drank when happy, sad, and angry, it didn’t matter. I believe alcohol depression entered into the equation when I began feeling bad about the way I was living. I knew I had a drinking problem but always thought I could stop if I really wanted. Then when I couldn’t stop, I’d tell myself I must not be strong enough. So I would get even more depressed about being weak. The cycle would continue like that for years.

Drinking was such a part of my life for so long, I realize now I never really allowed myself to feel anything. During the years I was not drinking (abstaining), I would enter relationships, and within a few months, I was making up excuses why they weren’t going to work. Nonetheless, they seemed like genuine reasons at the time. Usually it was because I was too busy making up for lost time and changing the world. My “MO” was that as soon as anyone got close enough to know the real me, I was out of there! It was more comfortable being alone then having to deal with the uncomfortable feelings of trying to figure out my emotions. Even though I wasn’t drinking, I was still quite depressed and was not learning how to live a life that brought me happiness. I was lonely and did a great job of isolating myself from everyone. There’s a saying that goes, “sober up a horse thief, and you’ve still got a horse thief.”

Eventually I got into a relationship that would prove to me that I had no idea how to be in one. I had no idea how to be truly intimate with someone and share my emotions, I couldn’t because I really didn’t know what they were (emotions). Sure I’d read about them in books and my girlfriend would tell me about them, but when asked “how are you feeling” I would just make up something to make her happy. I was miserable and so was she. Eventually I decided that maybe I wasn’t truly an alcoholic. After all, it had been many years since I had a drink and maybe a nice glass of Merlot with a steak would loosen me up a little bit. With a little over six years of abstaining from alcohol, I had a glass of wine, trying to convince myself that I had my crap together now and could handle it. From that point on, I struggled for years to stay sober.

After two attempts at rehab and trying to reconcile my relationship, I was living in a recovery house and trying to stay sober. I was filled with so much regret and remorse that it was hard to even function on a day to day basis. Finally I moved out of the recovery house and into an apartment by myself. The first thing I did was purchase a fifth of vodka and stopped going to work. I just wanted the thoughts of failure to go away. I figured I had tried recovery and it just wouldn’t work for me. I thought I was unique, nobody understood me, and that my situation was hopeless. I had resigned to living out my last days by drinking myself to death alone in an apartment just a few blocks from a liquor store. I was drinking so much that eventually I couldn’t leave my apartment and ran out of booze. At this point, my depression, remorse, and fear of living were so great that I felt I had two clear choices; try recovery again or commit suicide. I had tried recovery and knew it was difficult, that really scared me. But I realized I wasn’t ready to die yet either, so I called my sister who came and took me to treatment one more time. That was March 12, 2006 and I haven’t had a drink or mind-altering drug since that day.

Now, how does all this relate to depression? You see, I always had this vision in my head of what I thought success looked like for me. And honestly, it mostly consisted of material succes; or what I thought success looked like to other people. I was constantly comparing my insides to other people’s outsides and what I thought a happy and successful life looked like. I did have this feeling deep inside that I was a good person and that I could do great things but I always fell short. I was afraid of success, afraid of failure, and most of all, afraid of not being loved for who I truly was. All the years of not feeling quite good enough, even for me, played havoc on my self-esteem and caused me to become depressed. It’s pretty simple really, I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank. I was depressed because I thought life was all about finding happiness, and I had even failed at that. Not until I became desperate enough (really considering and welcoming suicide) was I able to give up every possible notion I had of what I thought my life was suppose to be about and start over. And that all started by asking for help and being willing enough to do whatever it took to get better. And that included going to rehab again, attending AA meetings regularly, and working a rigorous recovery program.

Today I realize that inner-peace and happiness, which I believe to be the opposite of depression, is a by product of right living. Today I live each day to be the best I can be, and that brings me overwhelming happiness. Since I have given up on every one else’s version of happiness, I have completed both undergraduate and graduate school, gotten married to the best women ever, and recently even had a granddaughter. I am successful today beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

Looking back, I realize I never really learned how to love myself for who I truly was. I guess I could not be alone with myself; it was too uncomfortable and caused me misery. So maybe I had depression before I truly became an alcoholic, I’m not sure. I do know that just because I stopped drinking my depressive thoughts did not go away. It would take hard work in recovery to learn how to love myself for who I truly am.

Today I am able to sit in quite room alone. Actually, I love doing this today and look forward to these times of meditation. It’s during these times that I learn to love myself and listen to my conscience.

There are still sometimes when I get a little depressed, but I know today that it will pass. For me, living right equals happiness. I am as sick as my secrets and getting honest with those around me and myself allows me to live life to the fullest, out in the open and with freedom! My depression was a result of not meeting expectations I set on myself. I realize now I was making demands upon myself which were impossible to meet. I stumbled through life feeling lost and lacking a purpose. Not until I truly learned how to love and respect myself, was I able to allow myself to be loved by others. Experiencing true love has given me great purpose in my life. Life is truly a gift, and I intend to accept it for the present it is!